


I'd Rather You Came In Guns Blazing

by inuyashamunkey



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Aliens, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, College Student Eren Yeager, Crack, DONT COME AFTER ME, Erwin is an alien, Essays, Hanji is an Alien, Levi is an Alien, Political, its just a joke, meteors that aren't meteors, unicorn lattes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-24 20:31:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16182638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inuyashamunkey/pseuds/inuyashamunkey
Summary: When Eren receives an assignment to write a political essay on the 2016 presidential election, he's sure his days are numbered.His doom is near, he's sure, and, as such, when he sees what he believes is a meteorite here to smite us all, he takes the chance and runs towards it, hoping for a swift and messy death. What he finds, however, is the solution to all of his problems.





	I'd Rather You Came In Guns Blazing

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so this story is just a joke and it isn't meant to make anyone mad! That being said, don't get offended, it's just a joke, bruh.

Eren was a typical, left-wing, liberal hipster college student. He went to Shiganshina University as a junior, majoring in art with a minor in literature, and owned an excessive amount of slouchy beanies and round, purple-tinted sunglasses.

He wore scarves everyday regardless of how warm it was outside and always smiled no matter how tired he was. Basically, Eren was a lovable fool who, like many, ate too much ramen and drank too many unicorn-flavored things purely for the aesthetic of glitter-infested kidneys.

As it was, he was on his third sparkle-infested unicorn Cappuccino and he didn't feel nearly as human as he should've with that much caffeine running in his veins. He glanced down at the vicious cup of seduction, nearly sneering.

A nightmare dressed up as a pink and purple daydream. A sinful incubus looking to pray on gorgeous young men.

His hand shook as it came to clasp itself too roughly around the porcelain cup. _I wish I was a stronger man._ His eyes clenched tight as he took a sip and nearly melted, moaning in the back of his throat.

He looked down at it after he swallowed, the last drops of the coffee sliding along the bottom. _Weak. I'm a weak, weak man._

He pulled his attention away from the wicked seductress and looked back down at the paper that had introduced him to his current archnemesis; The syllabus for his political essay.

If it was any other breed of writing, he could do it. _Any_ other, literally, but he had a...difficult time with separating himself from his political views and acting as an unbiased writer and he tended to be a bit, ehm, passionate about his stubbornly left-wing opinions and views.

_On Wednesdays we wear blue because it's a free country and we want it to stay that way._

Alas, he was too head-strong for this cruel world.

He was honestly considering dropping his non-fiction writing class, after this. He wasn't sure he could do this again. Hell, he wasn't sure he could do this now.

He flinched when he heard a clink next to him. Christa was smiling down at him apologetically as she took his empty cup. "I didn't mean to startle you,"

He smiled at her, reaching up to adjust his maroon beanie, "Nah, 's cool, I'm just thinking,"

He waited a moment as her eyes scanned his syllabus. Her eyes brightened, "Oh, you're taking Mike's class this year?"

"You know Mr. Zacharious?" Eren asked, surprised. The man didn't seem the type to leave his office at all.

She nodded, his blonde hair shining prettily as it caught the sun filtering through the window, "Sure, he's a good friend of Ymir's. He comes over a lot to complain about his students," she winked, "No offense,"

"None taken," Eren sighed, "I wouldn't be surprised if he'd complained about me a time or two, honestly,"

"That bad?" she asked sympathetically.

"I'm thinking about dropping it," He told her. Then, he gave her a charming smile, "Unless-"

"Nope." She interrupted swiftly, still smiling. 

He pouted. "You don't even know what I was going to ask,"

"You may not use my girlfriend as a double agent to help you get a good grade," she said.

"Why?" Eren whined, "'S not like she'd do it,"

"Yes she would," She said sweetly, "She'd do it and Mike would find out and both of you would be in very big trouble." He rested his face on the table with a groan. She patted him gently on the shoulder, "You'll get through it, just hang in there. Do you want a refill?"

He squinted at the empty cup, muttering darkly, "No,"

Not this time, unicorn cappuccino. 

Christa smiled, turning to walk away and Eren looked back down at the syllabus.

**Which candidate for the 2016 US presidential election truly deserved to win the election?**

He could go on.

~

It was late at night and Eren had decided to take a walk outside of his apartment to clear his red-and-blue-muddled head. He was still wearing his scarf and beanie despite it being nearly eighty-degrees outside because, apparently, scarves and tank tops were Tumblr relateable nowadays and he wasn't mad about it.

He let his feet drag and his head tilt up to look at the sky as the street lights faded and greenery took over. He could clearly see the stars above, which was a rarity in the city, and he was enjoying every second of it.

Or, at least he was until he saw a meteorite hurtling towards earth and his response was...underwhelming to say the least.

He stopped, sparing a thought to the dust he'd probably just kicked up getting all over his shoes, and stared at the bright ball of doom, oddly blank-faced.

Huh, he thought, I could die here, or I could run away and finish my paper. He cringed. No. Hey, if I die here then I'd literally be putting death before school and nothing gets more relatable than that...right?

It took only a moment before he made his decision, putting his hand on his head to keep his beanie on as he started running full-speed towards where the meteorite was headed. If he was going to go out, he was going to go out with a boom and his name would be splattered across the headlines of every newspaper in the country!

Just like his intestines on the ground.

If he was lucky.

~

He sadly did not run fast enough and, upon closer inspection of the thing that had come hurdling out of the sky, he had realized that the damage that would've been dealt to him had he been in the blast zone would have been minimal, or maybe none because the meteorite was, well, not a meteorite. Like at all.

It was a sleek, shiny aircraft unlike any other Eren had ever seen or heard about; it was windowless and vertical with four wings on each side that seemed to shift every so often and has light not too different from the lights you'd see at night to help planes land, but with odd colors.

A new type of hope filled Eren's chest as he realized what it was. Slowly, a piece of the otherwise flawless aircraft came apart, the air around it releasing at the panel down to a ramp.

He watched, frozen in awe as three figures stepped out onto the ramp.

The first one out was a tall blonde man with blue eyes like Eren had never seen before, the only indicator that the creature was anything but human was the tail that came around his back and had itself wrapped around his beafy leg as he looked around curiously.

The tailed one was flanked by two others; an exuberant-looking brown-haired creature with bulky glasses and too-sharp teeth and a dark-haired creature that looked like a normal, grumpy-looking person that Eren could've probably come by on any day in his college.

Eren didn't realize how long he'd been staring until he found himself face-to-face with shocked and curious blue orbs.

The alien seemed cautious as he said with far too much enunciation, "Do not be afraid,"

Eren's jaw worked for a moment, excitement thrumming through his veins.

"Are...are you here to find our leader and destroy him?" He asked breathily, looking at the blonde one with awe as his companions came up behind him.

The alien looked horrified, shaking his head quickly and looking terribly concerned, "No. No! Never we all come in _peace,_ why would we--why would _you-_ "

Eren's face dropped in disappointment and he scuffed the bottom of his shoe on the ground. "Oh," he muttered dejectedly, "It's just that we have a really bad president right now. Like, really evil bad and I'm being forced to write a decent paper on him and I just-" The stress of it all hits Eren at once when he verbalized it, he started to tear up.

The blonde's jaw dropped and he rushed to put a hand on my shoulder, "Hey, now, it's okay. How about this, maybe you can tell us about him and we'll-" he back apologetically at his companions, biting his lip, "-we'll see what we can do."

~

"Alright brat, give me a description of this 'president' of yours," The dark-haired one, Levi, drawled, his pen poised over a notepad.

Eren leaned on his elbows as he frowned, "He's the president of the United Fire Arms couldn't you just-"

Levi's heavy sigh cut him off, "If you want this done, you have to give me a description, not a meaningless title,"

Eren looked at him strangely but shrugged, deciding that it would be worth it, if he didn't have to write the paper, "Well... he looks like a piece of ham doused in cheeto dust," he said, "And he's got a walnut for a brain,"

Levi took a second, scribbling down notes, "Hair?"

Eren put a finger to his lips in thought, "Like a tumbleweed tupee,"

"Is there any specific detail that he could be easily identified by?" He asked.

"If you yell 'Obama!' loudly enough, he'll be the naked sea lion having an aneurysm on the floor," Eren said, leaning over to peak at Levi's note. The alien swatted him away with a glare.

"Does he have a weakness?" He asked.

Eren nodded sagely, the answer coming to him as easily as his own name. "Mexicans."

~

Weeks later, when Eren is looking at his grades Armin will shake his head, wondering how he'd gotten so damn lucky. "I can't believe the president actually resigned right before you had to write that essay."

Eren shrugged, scanning the A+ written next to his essay on Obama, "The luck of the hipster,"

Eren winked at the invisible camera with a grin, his teeth sparkling.

Amin looked at his strangely, "Who are you winking at?"

"Don't worry about it, Arm'. The country's safe, now."


End file.
